Normal Programming Has Resumed

I don't know about everyone else but I do wonder why I spent several days in Manchester. It was lovely to see so many people and catch up but I didn't actually do anything other than drink, bitch, gossip and occasionally getting lost. One doesn't have to go to happy, cheerful Manchester for that.

The journey there was very much like travelling with the ferryman to the other side: a long, fearful journey filled with the ramblings of an old bastard, to a destination which may very well be hell. Thankfully, after a while my boss had fallen asleep. I say thankfully - this did mean I had to repeatedly apologise to other passengers for his snoring and occasionally mutterings of "You bloody dwarf, that's a cape!" I considered using half of my chicken caesar wrap to muffle the sounds but this plan had a high chance of failure, as well as death.

Apart from the chicken wrap, the only other real food I ate in Manchester was at the Love Luton reception. Real food, drink and music! I felt very spoilt. Everything is hazy after that but I do know that I had an argument with a teenage nerd, in the main lounge area in the Midland, about who would win in a knife fight - Jeff Randall or Adam Boulton.

A few obvious rules to surviving a party conference:

1. Pack lightly. Men can get away with taking only one suit, four shirts and three ties to conference. Women bring their entire wardrobe and then complain that they can't drag their suitcases to and from the hotel
2. If an event or reception has the words 'Future' or 'Regional' in it's title then be prepared to walk in, slam two glass of free wine and walk straight back out again. Don't feel bad for the old 'Drink and Run' routine, you're saving yourself from an excruciating hour of dull, patronising chat. Focus on the wine and then move on
3. Food must be considered. Don't rely on crap canapés - mini pizzas or meat on a stick is the way to go, not sushi or carrot sticks. Unless you're a whinging vegetarian or a mad as f**k health enthusiast, there's no reason for you not to fill your gills with fatty, stodgy food if it crosses your path
4. Don't bother with the leader's speech. Only pole climbers, stalkers and pensioners queue up for hours to see a leader's speech. It will be all over the media after and you can still get a sense of cringing embarrassment via the TV
5. Even if you're not a smoker, always check out the smoking area of a hotel in the early hours of the morning if you're passing by. You're almost always guaranteed to spot at least one MP doing something they shouldn't be doing with someone one half their age
6. When merely hanging out with friends and associates, try not to name drop or brag about your conference encounters too often. Those around you will be rolling their eyes as soon as you look away. Yes, yes you've shaken William Hague's hand, congrats!
7. Always give yourself fifteen hours after leaving the conference before heading back to work. Passing out for three or four nights in a row does not count as sleep. If you get back to your desk too soon, you may as well throw you computer out of the window for all the work you'll get done

The recess and conference season is over, bring out your dead! The toil and strife of everyday life in Westminster will continue and normal progamming has resumed.

Will Ken Clarke continue his battle with everyone else in the Cabinet? Will Chris Huhne give up all pretense and start communicating with just "vroom vrooms"? And will Dr Fox begin his statement with "Now everyone has a friend who takes the piss and hangs on your coattails..."

It's good to be back.

Once Again I Am Surrounded By Men

My return is imminent and I know how much this will anger some people. The less bitter majority of you, however, will hopefully cheer. Hurrah!

The results for the Total Politics Blog Awards 2011 have been slowly drip dripped on us all and I am very proud to have been included.

This little diary has made the Top 50 right-wing blogs and Top 10 Conservative bloggers. In both cases I appear to be the highest positioned sole female on the list. As the great Lady herself once said - "I owe nothing to Women's Lib."

Thank you to everyone who voted, you make it all worthwhile. x

Diary Recess

Dear readers, I've been struggling with something for the last few days but I've finally come to a decision.

In this quiet period that is recess, I am taking some time off from blogging. It won't be for long, possibly until the House comes back in September, perhaps until Tory party conference. 

There are a number of possible reasons for this - I'm getting married, I've been fired, I'm checking into the Priory or maybe I'm taking a long trip around South America as a bounty hunter in order to pay back a man who once saved my life. 

 

Either way it's going to go quiet on here for a little while. I will still tweet but not to my usual extent so do tweet or DM me and I will always enjoy reading your emails.

This is not goodbye as I WILL be back and my return will mean posts from the heart of conference land, undercover action against crazy lefties and most likely a thousand word long rant about why Sally Bercow shouldn't have won Big Brother. 

This doesn't mean you can't vote for me though.

Toodles for now. x

Tweet Tweet, My Sweet

It’s been subdued around Westminster for the last week or so. Everyone has seemed almost afraid to make too much noise. Unlike many, those who work on the Estate are used to seeing men and women heavily armed and ready to shoot the next Greenpeace protestor off the roof at a moment’s notice or the occasional riot on our doorstep. But the footage that we have all seen since last weekend will still have shaken and enraged a great deal many people.

As a Tory I am all for strong policing and robust responses but I was not happy with the PM after this.

“So we are working with the Police, the intelligence services and industry to look at whether it would be right to stop people communicating via these websites (twitter/facebook) and services (BBM) when we know they are plotting violence, disorder and criminality. I have also asked the police if they need any other new powers.”

It’s lazy and misleading to lay this at the door of social networks, not to mention damn hypocritical after our criticism of social media censorship in other countries. Individuals determined to cause trouble will always find a way to communicate their intensions, the police should be using social media as a tool to locate and anticipate the violence and those causing it. Those who are saying that closing Twitter for a few hours, during major riots, is ‘common sense’ are talking out of their arses. The benefits of such a network have been noted again and again.

You could almost hear a collective sigh when the PM announced that Parliament would be recalled and the Whips were quick to send out an email confirming that suitable food would be available for Members. Waste of time and money if you ask me.

The boss wasn’t at all impressed with the Government’s response and on more than one occasion I heard him muttering something about the Bullingdon Club under his breath.
He flies off on his hols this weekend and is exceptionally smug about having booked it later than most.

It was nice to see everyone back in their office best, anything to stop Denis MacShane from walking around the Estate in hippy sandals and a bright red check shirt. My eyes!

Toodles x

For One Day Only

Drat...

Agony Aunts and The Total Politics Blog Awards 2011

Those who follow me on twitter will know I floated the idea of being an Agony Aunt. This has had a good response so far but I'm keeping the deadline open a little while longer to get as many problems and questions as possible.
So if you have a problem or issue that requires ineffective and pointless advice, you can email felicityparkes@gmail.com!

Should any dear readers wish to nominate this little blog or me as an individual then that would be just smashing!

Total Politics Blog Awards 2011

Toodles! x

All Work and No Drink Makes Flick a Bored Bag Carrier

We've reached that stage now where the portraits have been taken off the walls and the carpets has been pulled up to be cleaned. It's the same every summer recess. This means that most of the bods walking about are butch, sweaty men with stubble. Wink wink!

All the food stops at 3pm and the place is deserted by 6pm. I've also learned recently that if you stand still for too long, a police sniffer dog will try shagging your leg.

The few MPs who are making the trip into Westminster, bring their children in with them. Every time I've seen Mr Speaker he has been acting as babysitter. The poor chap looks very tired. Do let him have a night off, Sally!

The worst thing though is the silence in the evening. I know many of you will be asking “just what the heck are you doing on the estate in the evening, Felicity?” Not drinking, that's what! Summer recess means no more receptions or lobby events. It's all 'buy your own wine' until September. Ghastly state of affairs.

Grannie was such a slag...

It amazes me that the weather should turn just as I get the office fan working again. (Yes, I am quite the dab hand at fixing things.) I'm sure the one or two nudists in Parliament (and you know who you are) enjoyed the heatwave but the rest of us, those still bound by a few social boundaries, just had to sweat it out.

My plan is still on course - nearly all lobby letters have gone out and the constituency work is just about up to date. At this rate I will be finished by Monday!

Toodles! x