Snores, Dave and Girly Porn

Wednesday morning started with a text from the boss asking me to pick up goats cheese, cigarettes and a spork. That alone was annoying – add in the fact that he'd sent it at 5.05am and I was seething before I could even remember whose bed I was in.

I've been meaning to call the bosses wife and try to subtly hint that she should take him to the doctors to get his breathing sorted out. I know it's pretty standard for older men to breath out of their nose like it's the only orifice on their bodies but not like this. At one point I thought he had actually fallen asleep at his desk. I turned, expecting to find him dribbling on his House Magazine but he was, in fact, wide-eyed and reading – with a curling, wobbling, wet sound rolling from both nostrils. How, in the name of God can you sit there making that sort of noise and not be aware of it??

I'm limited to what I can directly say to him, other than “Are you all right, you appear to be choking?” or perhaps “Would you like a tissue? I've just bought this industrial size box and I insist you take the whole thing!”

By close of business Wednesday, the new PPB had been put out. Enjoy!

I'm going to assume that this was filmed in his parliamentary office rather than his Downing Street office because of the dark work and lack of Ikea crap. I personally hate these sort of clips because of the blatant staging.

The unnecessary desk lamp on the end of a long conference table. The two mobiles and pen next to his right arm despite being left handed. The boring tie that doesn't attempt to be any colour for fear of meaning something it shouldn't. The orange make up and the files balanced, in view, rather than filing the red box all scream FAKE.

Tom mentioned that he liked the feel of it; it was warm and comforting according to him. I pointed out that this was purely down to the soft lighting which wasn't dissimilar to that used in the sort of pornography normally aimed at women. You know the sort – plot, piano music and men with long hair. It's all tender romance with the jiggly bits hidden behind a smoky lenses and candle light.

I can't comment on what was said in the PPB because I watched it with the sound down just as a member of the public would. Sue me.
Toodles x

Brian Binley and the Philosopher's Stone of Raw Sex Appeal

I can confirm that SexyMP.co.uk has lost its sparkle. This isn't down to the adverts or the men popping up on the women section, no. The boss has become obsessed by it. He's not happy with his ranking and has taken to emailing me and the others with the instruction to 'play it for five minutes and vote against those who are higher than me!!' We received this message every few hours all Thursday and Friday last week. Like all things in life, the website was more fun when we shouldn't have been playing it in the office. A bit like watching pornography when in a serious relationship...

It has been a topic of discussion in a lot of MP's offices, SexyMP that is, not porn. I read Brian Binley's remarks in a local newspaper. I do think from now on his staffers should answer all calls with "Good morning, you're through to the office of Brian 'check out his raw musky powers of seduction' Binley. How may he sex you up?" It would go down a treat with the older ladies in the constituency, they would love it.

Bad Granny! No Cash in the Attic for you!

Hopefully not to the extent that my dear old granny did. She once knocked down three shoppers on a busy high street with her mobility scooter all because she wanted to pinch a man's arse. It's all right when you're elderly you can get away with anything! I have to pretend to be reaching round to open a door, swatting a fly or swinging my handbag when I want touch a man's bum. Actually that's not 100% true, I did once pinch Liam Fox's rear during a photo call at an event but then if you can't do it to Dr Foxy, who can you do it to?

Good night.