Pass Me A Tissue!

Dear readers, you will be sad to learn that I have a cold. Quite possibly the flu!

This resulted in me staying in bed yesterday, attempting to rub as much Vicks into my skin as possible whilst having a hot towel wrapped around my head. I was a picture of grace and serenity...

To help me feel better my flat mate and his horse faced girlfriend decided to come back to our flat at lunch time and recreate a donkey riding scene from the Bible.

The short and curly of it is that I will not be going to any events or receptions this evening unless I miraculously feel better by 5pm.

So in light of this I put forward a challenge to my fellow parliamentary staffers:

Print off my delightful profile picture on the right hand of the page and take it with you to the staffers reception this evening.

The aim of the game will be to hold the picture up in a photo with any Ministers or Whips. Whoever grabs a photo of the most senior Gov rep there gets a Felicity Parkes mug.

I am Felicity Parkes

Yes it’s what you’ve all been waiting for. Screw the Daily Politics mug, anyone and their handler can get one of those!



Roll up, Roll up, the Circus is in Town

As Mark Pritchard spoke in the chamber about circus animals my boss stood in front of the TV set with his hands on his hips and declared what we all knew. “He’s f*cked.” Seems Mark has put quite a few noses out of joint this week and not just with the circus animals malarky.

Dear readers, I wouldn’t recommend getting drunk and wandering the halls of the Norman Shaw buildings as I did last night. Getting in to the build is relatively easy however once you’re in there the corridors all meld into one and the room numbers don’t make any sense and suddenly you find youself in a broom cupboard rather that a lift! I quickly became bored of the dark maze like nightmare after 20 minutes and sat down outside Ed Balls' office. I contemplated crawling on my hands and knees to Ed Miliband’s office but couldn’t be bothered to push open the heavy doors with ‘Leader of the Opposition’ written on them. Probably for the best really, I have a terrible habit of stealing pens. Vodka is a terrible thing...

Sadly I lost an earring in the corridor...or was it the stairwell? Either way, if anyone finds it and I am looking at you Ed, do let me know.

Toodles x

Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head

There was a point today when I considered using one of the kids on a school tour as a sacrificial lamb in order to appease the angry rain gods. Tomorrow I'll come into work wearing a plastic poncho, armed with a golf umbrella and there won't be a single drop! Of course as I complain about the weather, and what it's doing to my hair, I am greeted with a smirking comment about Wimbledon and how it MUST rain during Wimbledon. My response to that, dear readers, is Andy Henman or whatever his name can shove it where the sun don't shine, quite literally.

Rachel has had her nose pierced in what I can only deduce as some sort of attempt at rebelling against her family. I suggested if she really wanted to upset her family she should buy a pair of dungarees and doc martins. I've never met her family but from what she tells me, and the grimace that accompanies the mention, I think it would do the trick.

Talk on the Estate has been about the guest limit brought in at the Sports and Social bar. It won't last sadly. I'm actually all for a limit on the number of whinging student friends a staffer can bring into Parliament in the sad attempt to impress. The Sports is nothing to be proud of! The few occasions when I have had a guest I've always started with the line "sorry about the bar, it's a sh*thole." Just how crappy was your student bar that you think The Sports is The place for a night out?

I do miss Bellamy's. Let's hope the plan to turn Moncrieff's into a wine bar called Annie's actually happens.

They may have banned sexymp.co.uk but we'll always have this

Jedward Might Be A Viable Option At This Point

Like most people with a twitter account, an interest in politics and a dark sense of humour, the highlight of my day was the #AskEdM event that took place on twitter at 5pm. It lasted less than an hour but I bet it dragged for Ed Miliband. It was so funny that at one point I snorted and had to wipe my computer screen. 

The division bell sounded at 6pm and because I had refused to budge from my desk for fear of missing something good, I very nearly wet myself when the ding aling ding started.

I asked about half a dozen questions and only one could be considered a real question. People seemed to like this tweet. It even got a mention on the Spectator's Coffee House!

I had to give a tour today. The poor b*stards didn't know what to do with themsleves as I marched them around the Estate. "Yes, yes. That's the chamber, that's the lobby. For god's sake don't touch anything! Did you know you can be arrested for the looking the Speaker in the eye? MIND THE JAG!"

Toodles x

Meeting Boyfriends and Hearing Plots

Friday night saw me meeting with Rachel's boyfriend, Richard for the first time. She brought him into London for drinks after work. I don't like him and I am quite sure the feeling is mutual. Of course I remained polite for most of the evening despite his attitude. It's no wonder Rachel was so quiet and boring when she first started interning with us. Richard is of the belief that his girlfriend should be quiet until he speaks to her and that any female should always defer to a male. As you can imagine, dear readers, I'm not the deferring type.

“History teaches us that man is superior to women. All the great empires were lead by men, all our finest minds have been men.”

“I can't be bothered to debate this with you, Dick. I will simply point out that our greatest PM was a woman. Ergo you're talking sh*t.”

He told Rachel he wanted to leave shortly after that.

On the same Friday I also blogged for Total Politics so do toodle over and have a read.

Monday disappeared into nothingness. Every Tory backbencher I spoke to was spitting about Nick Clegg's 'victory' on the NHS. Cameron may be wanting to secure the Coalition and help Nick keep his leadership but he really ought to think about his own. It never takes long for talk to turn into plotting...

A few people I know went to the Boris drinks on Monday night. This poor bag carrier didn't have £30 to spare but I would have like to have gone. It's always nice to be in the presence of Bojo's mojo. From what I've been told today by rough looking staffers, it was a good evening and as predicted nothing went to plan. Has Boris ever been on time for an event?

And apparently there was talk of this blog and it's author last night. It's an open secret according to some...

Sports is Sporting, What What?

I am tempted to apologise for the late posting but I won't. I was somewhat distracted last night and I can say with a great deal of exuberance that it was bloody well worth it. Said distraction would also be the reason behind my lateness to the office this morning and the huge grin I'm sporting. I can confirm dear readers that I am indeed currently without regret or frustration. Don't worry, I won't bore you with anymore details about my sex life but let’s just say that I am rather glad I went to the Sports and Social last night.
  
No emails from the boss this morning. I was concerned until I found a post-it on my desk.

'FIX MY SODDING OUTLOOK. Please?'

I can only imagine how long he was here last night shouting at his laptop, punching random buttons before finally slamming it shut and then violating the stationary on my desk. It's taken me all of five minutes to solve the problem. We get BBC News emails sent automatically to us. It's bloody annoying as hundreds come through every day and take up space. Turns out the boss never knew about these and had not noticed the ten thousand BBC emails in his unread file.
I've never read these emails and if there is a way to stop them then I am all ears. Maybe we can get Sky News to send through information instead...

And before he mentions it, yes we do get Paul Waugh's very fine emails as well. x

Vote Mogg, Vote Often

Eighty six. That’s how many letters we sent out with a spelling mistake. They were all the same in response to a generic lobby letter we had been receiving and every one of them had the word ‘piss’ in the text. I haven’t told the boss yet and I don’t think I will. It was Rachel’s letter and I just can’t risk him getting rid of her.
The amount of pointless rubbish that is generated by an MP’s office would surprise any normal person and every bit of it needs to be scanned or photocopied and then stuffed into a envelope. I swear on my Yes, Minister boxset that it will not be me who has to do it!

The nominations for the House Magazine awards went out today. You can see them here www.thehouseawards.com. I’m only going to write this once dear readers: vote for The Moggster.

Well what were you expecting? I am a Capitalist after all...

Toodles! x

Money Money Money!

Because sometimes you just have to send an inappropriate birthday card and gift to someone in the Government. I am absolutely confident I'll get a response...

Maybe.

Brian Binley and the Philosopher's Stone of Raw Sex Appeal

I can confirm that SexyMP.co.uk has lost its sparkle. This isn't down to the adverts or the men popping up on the women section, no. The boss has become obsessed by it. He's not happy with his ranking and has taken to emailing me and the others with the instruction to 'play it for five minutes and vote against those who are higher than me!!' We received this message every few hours all Thursday and Friday last week. Like all things in life, the website was more fun when we shouldn't have been playing it in the office. A bit like watching pornography when in a serious relationship...

It has been a topic of discussion in a lot of MP's offices, SexyMP that is, not porn. I read Brian Binley's remarks in a local newspaper. I do think from now on his staffers should answer all calls with "Good morning, you're through to the office of Brian 'check out his raw musky powers of seduction' Binley. How may he sex you up?" It would go down a treat with the older ladies in the constituency, they would love it.

Bad Granny! No Cash in the Attic for you!

Hopefully not to the extent that my dear old granny did. She once knocked down three shoppers on a busy high street with her mobility scooter all because she wanted to pinch a man's arse. It's all right when you're elderly you can get away with anything! I have to pretend to be reaching round to open a door, swatting a fly or swinging my handbag when I want touch a man's bum. Actually that's not 100% true, I did once pinch Liam Fox's rear during a photo call at an event but then if you can't do it to Dr Foxy, who can you do it to?

Good night.

Let's Get Fracking!

You would have thought that I would try to draw out my holiday for as long as possible but the truth is I was bored and desperate to get back to work within twenty four hours of activating my out of office message.

What do I have to show for my time off? A strained silence with my friend and travel mate, Charlotte, a burnt bum where I fell asleep in the sun and a series of increasingly pathetic emails from the boss asking me where his car keys are. The closest I came to getting my rocks off was when Charlotte drunkenly crawled into my bed thinking I was her ex boyfriend. I believe I slurred “You can sleep here but it’s too hot for cuddles.”

I popped into work Wednesday afternoon. There was no way I was actually going to do any work but I was curious as to what state the office was in. Thankfully the boss wasn’t in and from what I could see of his desk, he hadn’t destroyed another laptop either. All in all the office was fine and dandy. I just can’t decide whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.

There were very few staffers about on the Estate and all of them looked dreadful. Every female had dark smudges under the eyes where the makeup had come off but by god she couldn’t be bothered to put any on. 

Stubble is always the sure sign of a recess and every male staffer I walked past looked like an extra in Lost. The place was dead, so dead in fact that I popped myself down in the office and enjoyed a large glass of Pimms and played on sexymp.co.uk for a little while.

So that’s it dear readers, it’s all back to business now and should anyone want to get in touch, well...you know what to do!

Toodles x