Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Mugs, Jugs and Slugs

While I am off on holls hopefully enjoying some whirlwind romance or at the very least getting my jollies, I hope all of Westminster enjoys the visit from Barack Obama.

I imagine that Obama will be half way through his speech and all of a sudden Gordon Brown recreates the scene from The Graduate. I will be very annoyed if I miss that.

Dear readers do you ever wish to hint to your work colleagues that you may be an anonymous blogger, wind up The Daily Mail AND line my pockets at the same time? Well you're in bally luck!

A girl's gotta pay for her shoes somehow...

And now all that remains to be asked is:

Will the bars on the Estate notice a drop in their profits while I'm away? Will I come back to find the boss accidentally hanged himself as he mucked around with the office blinds? Will George ever send me a thank you email? Should I do as heavily suggested to me and remove the website I set up documenting Jacob Rees-Moggs double breasted suits? Will the Speaker be annoyed when he finds out what I left in the green petition bag? And finally... how much will a glass of wine cost on the flight?


Monday, 23 May 2011

Comedy Not Controversy

Imagine my surprise Sunday morning when I opened up a link to a Daily Mail article about me! I will admit to giving a sigh of frustration as this blog was compared to another which apparently revealed a real life affair between an intern and an MP. I've not read the blog myself but I was aware of it. The article then quotes a few posts from here and my blogger profile. All in all a sense of humour fail.

The reason for this blog has always been to entertain and make with the funny. I am not here to act as an undercover journalist and I would have hoped that the chaps at The Daily Mail and MPs would have spotted that. If there are individuals out there who don't get it, I would suggest they read my twitter profile.

Staffer for a Member of Parliament. Tory flirt with lushy tendencies. Welcome to my world...

On another note I am finally getting a holiday. I shall be flying out on Tuesday and not returning until the following week. Nothing but sand, sea and men in tight shorts, woof! I will of course still be contactable and more than happy to receive emails or tweets from my dear readers.

And happy birthday to George Osborne today and The Moggster tomorrow.

I hope your Whitsun recess will be as pleasant as I hope the hell mine will be.

Toodles for now xx

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Pimms, Constituents and Brown

The highlight of my day was at the very start. I walked into the office to find a LARGE bottle of Pimms sitting on my desk. Stuck to the bottle was a post-it with a smiley face. I do love my boss sometimes. I know my dear readers will be thinking that statement odd given how much I complain about the old sod but he certainly knows how to push my buttons. The good and bad buttons.

We often get calls from constituents who want help for the most basic things. Some like to write in and say they’re thinking of starting a business but haven’t decided what or where yet but they still want the bosses advise and help. Others contact us mistakenly thinking their member of parliament is also their solicitor. In those cases we try to be firm but kind but if I hear the line “Why should I waste my time trying to call the CAB when you can do it for me?” I get twitchy. I have been known to bark “We can’t help you if you’re not prepared to help yourself!”

We had a call midday Tuesday from a person who wanted the MP to call their friend who was currently on a bus and somewhat down in the dumps. The caller said his friend just needed someone to talk to. You may think this sounds like a joke or prank call but it wasn’t. The caller became angry when I pointed out they had dialled the wrong number for the Samaritans.

There has been more talk today about Gordon Brown wanting the top IMF job. According to the New Statesman Gordon has told friends "he's not taking No for an answer."
Jon Craig talked about Gordon and the IMF this evening on Sky News. He said that Gordon had been networking in Westminster on Tuesday (I didn't bloody see him) and the general feeling is that 'he's forcing himself on Europe...'

What is it with these Socialists?

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Boobs and Nazis

What a pair...
 Monday flew by. I guess coded bomb threats near Whitehall will do that to a working day!

I have just seen an advert for 3D footage of the Third Reich on the History channel. Come on, that’s going a bit too far now. I know that these days unless something is in 3D it’s not worth watching but if I want to see Nazis in more than one dimension I’ll go to a Fabian Society event. (Boom boom!)

We had a discussion in the office about the ‘life length’ test which was all over the news today. I don’t see the problem with finding out how long you have left since health plays only a part of it these days. You could jog every day and only eat muesli but that won’t matter a thing if you’re an idiot who doesn’t look when crossing the road.

The boss called me a few times this afternoon from the library and I had to text him at one point with stop calling. You'll get kicked out of the library!

He responded with I'd like to see them try! He wouldn't tell me why he was down there or what he was looking for. I just hope he wasn't just sat in a tea room somewhere looking at adult mags. 


Thursday, 12 May 2011

Donkeys, Casework and Clegg

This morning I had to meet my flatmate’s new girlfriend. When I say meet I mean she was smoking a cig in his t-shirt whilst leaning against the fridge. My fridge. The bitch.

I was prepared to simply smile and ask her to shift her hefty backside so I could get the milk out but she greeted me with the line “Hmm let’s see: pearl necklace, red talons and a sneer. You must be the Tory?”

I responded with a smile and “Why yes I am! I must say you’re a lot different than I expected.”

“What do you mean?” I’m sure she was smoking MY cigarettes.

“Well...the sounds emanating from Stephen’s room suggested he was abusing some sort of mentally deficient donkey but you don’t look like a mentally deficient donkey do you?” I smiled again and patted her on the shoulder.

“Thanks.” She didn’t sound very thankful.

“No, just a donkey!” I threw over my shoulder as I grabbed my handbag and sashayed out the front door. I enjoyed a shop bought coffee instead.

We received a folder full of documents and letters in the post. A constituent who had seen the boss at the weekend had taken the “send my office as much information as possible” quite literally. I am not sure if it was meant sincerely or as a joke but a cassette was also in the folder and written on the spine was ‘music to listen to as you read my case.’ I kid you not. I am now going to have to hunt down a cassette player just so I can find out what sort of music is on it. If it turns out to be weird sexual noises then I’m binning the whole folder. I hate it when people send us crap like that!

Clegg is reported to have said today 'This is a coalition of necessity, not of conviction.' That’s like saying ‘we’re staying together not because we love each other, actually we can’t stand the f*cking sight of each other at the dinner table, but for the children. We must stick together for the children!'

There was an embarrassing moment this evening involving me, the division bell, several dozen MPs and a door handle but that's a story for another time...

Toodles x

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Broken Printers and Crazy Pills

I am so angry I could quite literally punch the face off a squirrel. Is anyone else locked into what feels like an eternal battle with their printer? 

It says it has ran out of ink so I replace the cartridge. Then it needs to clean itself then initialise follow by a crash, a jam and ANOTHER clean! I’ve tried rebooting it and opening all the drawers. I’ve even taken to threatening it with fire and cold tea much to the bosses worried looks.  He can p*ss off since he’s STILL taking to his Lady Thatcher photograph! Sometimes it just feels like we’re all taking the same crazy pills. I could just climb on the roof and scream.

I’ve got a huge pile of work that needs scanning in front of me as I type this and it will not be getting done this evening. Nothing winds me up more than having to stay later than 7pm because of defunct technology. I've written to Sir Ian Kennedy at IPSA to request a second scanner or printer in the office but surprise surprise, not even a acknowledgement.

I’ve only left the office once today. When I wasn’t working or being insulted down the phone by bat sh*t insane newly elected Cllrs, I sat under my desk and had lunch whilst watching business in the house. I do wish we had a debate between Ed Balls and George Osborne every week, they're just so bitchy to each other. 

I'm giving up on the printer. I've got better things to do like trying to set up a meeting with a Minister despite the best efforts of his department mandarins. If they want to steal every moment of his day so there's nothing left for anyone else then fine. I'll suggest to the boss that he visit the Minister at home in the dead of night if I have to!

Okay... It is definitely home time.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

This is why politics ages you...

I am currently sitting at my desk in sunglasses, surrounded by empty coffee cups and the remains of a bacon sandwich. Why do I do this to myself?

It could be worse though. I am fairly certain that the boss slept in his car last night and is looking like five different shades of sh*t. There is little being said in the office that doesn't resemble a death groan. It's all a bit tender this morning.

I certainly did the rounds last night. Yes, I am aware that doesn't sound very lady like and frankly you should be ashamed of yourselves for taking it that way. I did pop into the cider reception to enjoy a few glasses. It was really just three tables set up with a selection of drinks and lots of people stood around talking about apples. I was out of there after a few quickies. Jess Norman and Ben Gummer were chatting with a group off to one side and looking like a gang of school boys. Caroline Nokes was holding court at one end of the terrace and Rosindell and Fabricant were at the other. It upsets me greatly to know I left before Jo Johnson turned up or Joseph as I know he now wants to be known as. I think I saw Ed Balls in Strangers but by that point it was all a bit hazy. 

Gov Whip, Mark Francois was doing his cheeky chappy act at the reception. I know a staffer who is very taken with him and keeps bringing up the fact that he's single. Mark if you're interested let me know as she wants to give you her number!

All of this on top of the referendum celebration and the all-nighter for the local elections means that I look more tired than Caroline Flint!

Oh my head...

Friday, 6 May 2011

The Morning After

Apologies for the lack of posts; it's been a busy time and I haven't yet slept.

Maybe it's the fact that I have been running on nothing but coffee and red wine for the last 24 hours or maybe I'm just due a breakdown but I don't get why the Lib Dem results are the fault of the Tories.

Dave has gone out of his way to be as chummy as possible to Nick and has been very generous with Lib Dem policy. No matter how many times there have been little snide remarks from Lib Dem Ministers, Dave has just shrugged. He's been laid back enough that it's p*ssing Tory backbenchers off! Yet somehow their local election results are our fault?

My message to any Liberal readers (and I hope I have a few) is that the blame lies with Labour. They have seen their chance to paint themselves as the only true 'progressives' and 'voice of the Left' and they've gone for it. They have nudged unions and whispered in the ears of students, dumped sh*t at Clegg's feet all the while pretending that they wouldn't have had to take the same decisions.

Of course I don't blame Labour for that, play the game and play to win. Nor am I naive enough to think that Dave and George aren't counting their lucky stars that fortune has delivered them a human shield in the shape of their Coalition partners.

I do think that there are those who need to decide what side of the fence they're on and stick to it. I'm looking at you Chris.

Time to sleep x

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

"No! I'll call Cindy McCain if I have to!"

Rachel and I have taken to teasing next door's interns. There are loads of them in there and I swear they are breeding like rabbits. I don't think the MP next door actually has any paid staff unless you count the grumpy, elderly woman who I see from time to time in the hallway. For a while I honestly thought someone had brought their granny in for a visit and then set her free to wander as she pleases. I had images of coaxing her back to the reception desk with a bag of knitting and a hot water bottle. Wouldn't be the first time...

Anyway back to the interns. Rachel has been here long enough now that she can pull off that slightly patronising yet confused tone that so many staffers tend to use. She really is coming along nicely! 

Is it wrong to take a couple of young eager beavers down to the car park beneath the Westminster Palace and leave them there in the dark with the instruction to not come back up untill they've checked all six levels for Simon Hughes' yellow taxi? I may have also told them that the rifle range was down there somewhere. I wonder if the MP next door noticed the difference in his office this afternoon.

I arrived back in the office to find my boss speaking sternly down the phone. "I've made this phone call several times now and I find it almost insulting that my suggestions are not being taken onboard! I demand to have the direct line to the Heinz CEO!"

"Oh not again. Give me the phone!" Cue wrestling for the handset.

"No! I'll call Cindy McCain if I have to!"

"Give me the...PHONE!" I got the phone off him and hung up. "How many times have I told you, she never worked for Heinz and you have to STOP calling up their customer service number and complaining about carrots chunks."

I don't get paid enough for this.

Goodnight x

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Can someone translate please?

Laurie Penny: 

To question that is to question people’s identities – and a purchased identity is still an identity.  But identity is not unassailable, nor should it be.  All politics are identity politics! 

This is from an interview found here

Things I Did Over the Weekend

I passed out with my face squished against a wall Friday night. This wouldn't have been an issue but I had the Union Flag painted on my face and according to my friend Sandra, her wall paper is very expensive. I'm just thankful she hasn't yet seen what one of our mutual friends left in her flower pot.

On Saturday I purchased a novelty tie for someone I don't actually know. I had a choice of persons for whom to buy for but in the end a particular tie with a certain theme made the choice for me. I do hope this doesn't get me into trouble. This is all down to a dare/bet from a few months back and I keep putting it off.

I campaigned on the doorstep for my local Cllr and the AV referendum. Despite a hangover and a severe craving for Nandos I doorstepped for over an hour. I am such a good little Tory.
I do get some stick for wearing my heels out and about but there's no need to lower standards.

Obviously more interesting things happened around the world than they did to me. We've had a royal wedding, the death of Osama Bin Laden, Chris Huhne is having a breakdown and in the constituency a new Vegetable Chess Champion has been crowned. Crazy times...