The Labour Mood Swing

Less of the awkward, more of the glum Ed Miliband moments

It was a real struggle to find any labour members of staff or, for that matter, members of parliament who didn't have a face like a wet dish rag on Tuesday. The 'Ed situation' is beginning to hit critical yet no one in the party seems to be able to pull a spine out of their arses to do anything.

The boss and I have a bet on the go; I think Ed will step down graciously within 12 months and the boss thinks he'll stay put until the election. “Rewarding the weak and the incompetent is what the Political Left are brainwashed to do. Look at that sodding benefits cap vote!”

In 1 Parliament Street there is almost an entire floor of MPs offices with SAVE ED posters stuck to them. It's quite a beautiful sight.

I read a report by Professor Mark van Vugt, as you do, that suggests men are to blame for the world wars and similar because they have evolved to attack outsiders. Biggest load of old rot I have ever had in front of my face... and I’ve tried to read Twilight.

Peace and kindness, my derrière!

Women have evolved to resolve conflict through peace and kindness according to the report. There must have been a point where Professor Mark van Vugt was writing that, and his wife screamed 

“YOU'VE LEFT THE FRIDGE DOOR OPEN AGAIN. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU BEFORE THAT THICK F**KING BRAIN OF YOURS GETS IT. I AM SICK OF DOING EVERYTHING FOR YOU WHILE YOU SIT AND WRITE YOUR SH*TY REPORT. I SWEAR I COULD JUST RIP YOUR THUMBS OFF AND RAM THEM UP YOUR PENIS!!!”

Will Dave be back in time for PMQs or will we have to see Clegg go up against Harman? I'm going to need ear plugs.

Bye bye xx

Ed Balls, Tom Baldwin and Hollo de Bone-Bone

I saw Ed Balls a few times around the estate after PMQs, and each time that man had a grin the size of a police officer's subsidised Terrace cafeteria fry up. In other words – f*cking huge!

Tom Baldwin, the other testicle in Ed Miliband's meat and two veg, looked decidedly calm and relaxed in PCH. However I don't think he should lurk about in that large coat of his. I'm not going to say he looked like a dealer as that would imply that I know what one looks like. And I don't. You've got nothing on me copper!

Do you know what it's like to have your boss point at your crotch and say “I didn't think you were looking forward to PMQs that much?”

I do. “I spilt orange juice down my lap and that's another one to go in the folder marked 'Sexual Harassment.'

The corridor dwellers were out in force today. The taxpayer funds your office, please and politely use it rather than walking up and down the principle floor again and again on your mobile phone. I'm aiming this at Tristram Hunt, Zac Goldsmith and on occasion the Adam Afriyie, to name a few.

Having seen two Tory rebels slinking around the estate together Wednesday morning, I have decided to name them affectionately Hollo de Bone-Bone. Beware all those who support the EU and efficient use of debating time!

The office is now officially dry. Not intentionally I might add, not like those who take a month off to prove to their loved ones that they don't have a problem. No, we just drank our way through the Christmas drink and the bottles left over from the boss's NYE party. Rest assured that the bottles weren't left over because he didn't want to drink them, more to do with his wife trying to see off potential liver failure. When the government suggested two dry days a week, my employer's only response was “I'd like to see them bloody try! From my cold, dead HANDS!”

Calm Down Dear

Everyone is bleating on about Winnergate. Deary me, anyone would think we don't have a economy to straighten out or a conflict in Libya to deal with.

The Left is up in arms. Typical. "How dare he refer to a female as 'dear'! It's sexist. He would never have said anything like that to a man."

Actually he did in 2007. Here's an extract from theyworkforyou.com dated 12th December 2007.

David Cameron (Leader of the Opposition; Witney, Conservative)

February. Thank you, but why was it not in the Prime Minister's statement? The whole point is to announce things to the House of Commons! I know that the Foreign Secretary's speeches are normally corrected after they have gone out, but he might want to advise the Prime Minister rather more about how to get the content right in the first place.

On aid— [Interruption.] Calm down, dear; there are more questions to answer. On aid, can the Prime Minister—with the help of the Foreign Secretary, who is now fully engaged in this—tell us how much of the very substantial UK aid is being spent in Helmand and how much in the rest of the country? Should we not be focusing our aid efforts to a much greater extent where our soldiers are deployed and where so much is at stake?

If anyone has a clip of this then I would be most grateful.

All in all it's very overblown. I refer to men and women as dear, darling, sweetie, and slave (in the intern's case anyway) and I have yet to be called a sexist pig. But then maybe it's only allowed because I'm female. Oops, hang on. Female is still allowed right?

Anyway, back to work!

Mike Hancock, Bone and my Mother

Something that has tickled me this week was the little cock-up in Downing Street. An email found its way into my inbox. It may or may not have been forwarded to me by someone on the email list, I won't say names.
The email was an invite to No.10 for a No to AV meeting with the PM but there amongst all the Tory names was Mike Handcock, Lib Dem MP and walking beard!

Why on earth would he be invited to such a meeting when I'm pretty sure he's in the Yes camp. Then it became clear that it had obviously been intended for Matthew Hancock, Tory MP and V neck jumper addict.
I wonder if Mike was suprised when the email appeared in his inbox, possibly nestled between emails advertising Viagra and Russian wife catalogues.

The prize for best asked PMQ this week goes to Peter Bone. You can see it here.

It's my mother's birthday today so this evening will be spent visiting the relatives and hearing again and again how super my sister's marriage is going. Pass the bottle please!