14 POINTS AHEAD...

I know it's expected halfway through a Government's term but really, how is this man leading a party 14 points ahead of us?!

On another note, where did the chap in the cardigan go and how do I party with him?

Source of pic here

The Labour Mood Swing

Less of the awkward, more of the glum Ed Miliband moments

It was a real struggle to find any labour members of staff or, for that matter, members of parliament who didn't have a face like a wet dish rag on Tuesday. The 'Ed situation' is beginning to hit critical yet no one in the party seems to be able to pull a spine out of their arses to do anything.

The boss and I have a bet on the go; I think Ed will step down graciously within 12 months and the boss thinks he'll stay put until the election. “Rewarding the weak and the incompetent is what the Political Left are brainwashed to do. Look at that sodding benefits cap vote!”

In 1 Parliament Street there is almost an entire floor of MPs offices with SAVE ED posters stuck to them. It's quite a beautiful sight.

I read a report by Professor Mark van Vugt, as you do, that suggests men are to blame for the world wars and similar because they have evolved to attack outsiders. Biggest load of old rot I have ever had in front of my face... and I’ve tried to read Twilight.

Peace and kindness, my derrière!

Women have evolved to resolve conflict through peace and kindness according to the report. There must have been a point where Professor Mark van Vugt was writing that, and his wife screamed 

“YOU'VE LEFT THE FRIDGE DOOR OPEN AGAIN. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU BEFORE THAT THICK F**KING BRAIN OF YOURS GETS IT. I AM SICK OF DOING EVERYTHING FOR YOU WHILE YOU SIT AND WRITE YOUR SH*TY REPORT. I SWEAR I COULD JUST RIP YOUR THUMBS OFF AND RAM THEM UP YOUR PENIS!!!”

Will Dave be back in time for PMQs or will we have to see Clegg go up against Harman? I'm going to need ear plugs.

Bye bye xx

Shot to The Back of The Ed

As Tuesday was the first day back for the boss, he graced us with his presence before 9am. Once the important issues had been covered and it was declared that Christmas had been a success he reclined back in his chair to listen to Ed Miliband's Today interview on the BBC website. There's nothing like starting the day out with strong coffee, sticky pastries and an utter car crash of media appearance by the Labour leader.

The ugly question had the boss roaring with laughter and smearing jam down his tie. I must remember to tuck a napkin into his collar in events such as these. It's good to see his diet didn't last beyond the first few week of January.

At 11:30am I scooted over to the TV and settled down for the big relaunch. The prospect of the signal failing and no-one but the assembled hacks and Fabians seeing Ed's big moment was gleeful but sadly it held for the entire speech and the Q & A that followed. I say sadly as it would have been better for Ed if it hadn't been broadcast, and by better for Ed I mean better for us. Other Tory staffers stopped by the office to share their groans and grimaces. Far from laughing anymore, each of us were silent with a hand partially or completely covering our faces. Lord knows what our Red counterparts were doing.

I don't believe Labour will be taken seriously until they have a leader who had nothing to do with the Blair/Brown years. Only then will they be about to have a clean break from the past and look back on their party's mistakes as an observer rather than an accomplice. And that's a shame because we really need a good opposition, not one who puts out a relaunch on the day something like HS2 is announced. Although saying that, if I were pretty sure my leader was going to make a hash of something then I'd also make sure there was a big story to dominate the headlines just in case.

Lunch time! xx

Hello, is it me you're looking for...

The office phone rang before I had a chance to log in to my pc on Tuesday morning. I only answered it because I could see from the display that it wasn't from the constituency. Calling me before I've had my coffee and then staying silent on the line is a guaranteed way of pissing me off. I knew there was someone there as I could hear background noise and after saying "Hello" twice I put the phone down.
It happened eleven more times throughout the morning and I became more and more aggressive with each one. By lunch time I had reached "Look, if this doesn't stop I'll give your number to police so they can find you and kick your family pet. I'm sure you've got better things to do and if you haven't, might I suggest you use this time to look for a job. Goodbye!"

That seemed to work for a good few hours, until another call came through on the same number mid afternoon. However this time there was someone there, someone from the CSA. I didn't bother asking if they had trouble with their phone lines, I just hope my pet threat hadn't been recorded. 

There's a wiff in the air and it is definitely the smell of euroscepticism. It's invigorating! There's shenanigans afoot on the backbenches and if Dave isn't careful he's going to find himself surrounded.

Nearly time for PMQs again. I wonder if Ed can build on his success from last week?

Ed's Sick In The Head?

The helicopters only stopped hovering over Westminster at 5pm on Thursday. When my fluey shivers turned to the sweats and the office window had to be opened, it was like a scene from The Swarm. Michael Caine would not have put up with that crap.

I have a terrible feeling that I may have become confused whilst writing a few emails today and signed them off 'with hugs'. Overdosing on cough sweets and lemsip is not condusive to a well run political office.

I know what you're thinking and that's filthy!

Speaking of sounding ridiculously congested - however strange and messed up I may have been feeling for the last few days I am doing a heck of a lot better than Ed Miliband. Just when we thought Labour couldn't find a weirder leader... See here

Once again I am sorry for being quiet. If I'm not at work and just huddled in a snotty ball at home then there's not much to write about or be able to write. I know who gave me this cold flu HELL and I will get my revenge on him. Mark my words! I really must learn better restraint when presented with a cute young man. Especially if he starts with "...sorry if I sneeze on you". School boy error Felicity!

Toodles xx

Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head

There was a point today when I considered using one of the kids on a school tour as a sacrificial lamb in order to appease the angry rain gods. Tomorrow I'll come into work wearing a plastic poncho, armed with a golf umbrella and there won't be a single drop! Of course as I complain about the weather, and what it's doing to my hair, I am greeted with a smirking comment about Wimbledon and how it MUST rain during Wimbledon. My response to that, dear readers, is Andy Henman or whatever his name can shove it where the sun don't shine, quite literally.

Rachel has had her nose pierced in what I can only deduce as some sort of attempt at rebelling against her family. I suggested if she really wanted to upset her family she should buy a pair of dungarees and doc martins. I've never met her family but from what she tells me, and the grimace that accompanies the mention, I think it would do the trick.

Talk on the Estate has been about the guest limit brought in at the Sports and Social bar. It won't last sadly. I'm actually all for a limit on the number of whinging student friends a staffer can bring into Parliament in the sad attempt to impress. The Sports is nothing to be proud of! The few occasions when I have had a guest I've always started with the line "sorry about the bar, it's a sh*thole." Just how crappy was your student bar that you think The Sports is The place for a night out?

I do miss Bellamy's. Let's hope the plan to turn Moncrieff's into a wine bar called Annie's actually happens.

They may have banned sexymp.co.uk but we'll always have this

Jedward Might Be A Viable Option At This Point

Like most people with a twitter account, an interest in politics and a dark sense of humour, the highlight of my day was the #AskEdM event that took place on twitter at 5pm. It lasted less than an hour but I bet it dragged for Ed Miliband. It was so funny that at one point I snorted and had to wipe my computer screen. 

The division bell sounded at 6pm and because I had refused to budge from my desk for fear of missing something good, I very nearly wet myself when the ding aling ding started.

I asked about half a dozen questions and only one could be considered a real question. People seemed to like this tweet. It even got a mention on the Spectator's Coffee House!

I had to give a tour today. The poor b*stards didn't know what to do with themsleves as I marched them around the Estate. "Yes, yes. That's the chamber, that's the lobby. For god's sake don't touch anything! Did you know you can be arrested for the looking the Speaker in the eye? MIND THE JAG!"

Toodles x

Felicity in the Park - TUC Rally

Voted in by the Unions, for the Unions

In a time of conflict, unrest and bad sporting results, Felicity Parkes attempts to enjoy a day in the park. Surrounded by protesters, socialists and the general unwashed, will she make it to end without giving herself away or will she take one too many nips of the old hip flask?

I arrived at Hyde Park just after 1pm and was  immediately overwhelmed with a sneer. My union disliking boss would have keeled over from the sheer volume of trade union banners. Lots of green, red and purple but not much blue. Funny that.

I spotted son of Lord Hunt of Chesterton, Tristram Hunt MP and Natascha Engel MP near the archway

David Anderson MP was sat near the stage and shouting down his phone and I spotted Hilary Benn MP trying to get in backstage.

The only hacks I recognised were Gary Gibbon and Sir Michael White. Gibbon wandered around bored for a few hours, never looking particularly inspired. I have a sneaking suspicion that White recognised me from when our paths have crossed outside Moncriefs from time to time. I would guess that his red beret was as close as he could get to showing solidarity with his comrades!

The rally seemed to be made up of 'right-on' activists, indoctrinated students and middle-class families who hadn't had a day out since the Stop the War march. There was one couple drinking champagne! This I know as fact because they nearly hit me with when they popped the cork.

Despite all the Tory and bank bashing, it was nice to see lots of people at the rally riding Boris bikes. In their own little way Barclays was represented.

A number of people including David Prentis and Ed Miliband mentioned that half a million people were at the rally. I'm sure I've seen more people at a Take That concert back when they were at their peak.

Ed Miliband's speech was dreadful and as I tweeted today as well, there were quite a few who were not happy to have him there. I nearly lost the hearing in one ear when an old lady screamed "You would've done the same!" This was said by a few others as well and it just so happens I was able to recorded some of it.

I won't go into the drivel that came out of this man's mouth because others have done a far better job than I could have. Here's Patrick Hennessy's comments.

The big screens almost couldn't take it!

For all the gumpf about 'women's equality' and the 'appreciation of the Sisterhood' we still had three near naked dancers on the stage for six minutes. They danced and jiggled while Medhi Hasan stood just off side grimacing. He clenched his jaw and barred his teeth as he realised that for all the sh*t said about respecting women, he was going to have to take to the stage like a beauty pageant host.

The one part that has stuck in my mind from anything Medhi Hasan said all day was this line: "The only difference between Thatcher and Cameron is the gender." IF ONLY I nearly shouted. 

Regardless of all the anti-capitalist nonsense that was spouted today, when it came down to it people were still willing to hand their money over to the few smart businesses in the park. I salute those burger vans, coffee sellers and knock-off t-shirt traders who sold crap to the protesters. And I do mean crap. The cheese burger I bought would have been thrown at Tony Robinson had I not been so bloody hungry. 

All in all there was nothing there for anyone outside of a union or not employed by the public sector. It all felt very 'me me me' despite their attempts to make it 'us us us'. There were your usual lines about the police keeping their "sleazy hands of our kids" and the ill thought out encouragements to occupy building and strike. As it has been rightly pointed out today, the Countryside Alliance had greater numbers at their march. Does that make them more or less mainstream Mr Miliband?

I'll leave you with these two photos that I took at the rally. If I every attend another of these I am going to try sniffing glue before hand. It might help put me in the mindset of trade unionist.