The Labour Mood Swing

Less of the awkward, more of the glum Ed Miliband moments

It was a real struggle to find any labour members of staff or, for that matter, members of parliament who didn't have a face like a wet dish rag on Tuesday. The 'Ed situation' is beginning to hit critical yet no one in the party seems to be able to pull a spine out of their arses to do anything.

The boss and I have a bet on the go; I think Ed will step down graciously within 12 months and the boss thinks he'll stay put until the election. “Rewarding the weak and the incompetent is what the Political Left are brainwashed to do. Look at that sodding benefits cap vote!”

In 1 Parliament Street there is almost an entire floor of MPs offices with SAVE ED posters stuck to them. It's quite a beautiful sight.

I read a report by Professor Mark van Vugt, as you do, that suggests men are to blame for the world wars and similar because they have evolved to attack outsiders. Biggest load of old rot I have ever had in front of my face... and I’ve tried to read Twilight.

Peace and kindness, my derrière!

Women have evolved to resolve conflict through peace and kindness according to the report. There must have been a point where Professor Mark van Vugt was writing that, and his wife screamed 

“YOU'VE LEFT THE FRIDGE DOOR OPEN AGAIN. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU BEFORE THAT THICK F**KING BRAIN OF YOURS GETS IT. I AM SICK OF DOING EVERYTHING FOR YOU WHILE YOU SIT AND WRITE YOUR SH*TY REPORT. I SWEAR I COULD JUST RIP YOUR THUMBS OFF AND RAM THEM UP YOUR PENIS!!!”

Will Dave be back in time for PMQs or will we have to see Clegg go up against Harman? I'm going to need ear plugs.

Bye bye xx

Farmers, Madams and Wellies

It was a Thursday but I kept thinking it was a Friday and each glance at the clock was a disappointment.

There are few things as boring as DEFRA questions. Except maybe Welsh questions.

I know there are possibly plans for badgers and still issues with trees but, my Christ, I just don't care. Apologies to the many farmers who read my blog, I know you will be heart broken at this admission.

The only thing to happen in the chamber to raise the eyebrow of yours truly was the nerve of Fiona MacTaggart moaning about ageism from the Prime Minister. The same MacTaggart who had to apologise to Chloe Smith some time last year over remarks about her youth. As a nation we must stop electing goldfish to Parliament.

It seemed that the estate, like the chamber, was quite empty today. It's as though everyone stayed for the main attraction of PMQs and then headed back to their constituencies yesterday. Louise Mensch tweeted about having a surgery today in her neck of the woods; the very idea of that mystifies the boss. “On a Thursday? When the House is still sitting? Does the three line whip mean so little to the new intake?”

“You once said the only three line whip you cared about was the type being held by a Madam.”

“I never said I was consistent, did I?”

By mid afternoon he'd pulled on his ridiculous wellies and marched out the door, shouting over his shoulder “To the homestead!”

This week has gone very fast but, bloody hell, it's aged me.

Toodles x.

Tour of Duty

Next stop: OFFICE RAGE!

 Dear Members of Parliament. Take a moment to think before promising tour places to schools, churches, or absolutely anyone. Skipping into the office at 4:30pm and telling your staff to book a tour for 20 people for the following Thursday is not just unfair to your staff but down right idiotic.

I know you all seem to think that these sort of things are magicked up by the bloody House fairies clicking their fingers. Well, to state the effing obvious; it's not.

Please try to remember that tour spaces are booked up a month or two in advance and saying “Just see what can be done” isn't going to make a blind bit of difference if there are no more spaces left.

And don't even think about then asking your staff to give the tour instead. All the other jobs or requests you've made since 8am need to be finished and that can't be done if a staff member has to babysit a group to fix the problem that you created.

So the whole point of this post is simply this: try and work from home if you can. Your staff will be grateful for the few hours of peace.

And exhale.

"Better the Devil You Know"

Diary of a Westminster Bag-carrier: giving pervs what they want since 2011

Getting post from the constituency office is always fun as it's likely to be from someone who prefers to drop their 'important' correspondences off on a doorstep in the middle of the night rather than email, fax or phone. What was sent up to the Westminster office on Thursday was hilarious as well as sinister. The constituent had made a very large print out of the boss's face and then cut out the eyes. There appeared to be an accidental tear across the mouth and written in purple ink on the back were the lyrics to Kylie Minogue's 'I should be so Lucky'

It was a whole new level of political interest.

I didn't let the boss see it. I have enough trouble getting him into the constituency at the best of times. Last thing I need is him declaring it unsafe. Once he called an event with CWO "exceptionally dangerous to my manhood". Very prone to drama is my boss.

I read the very excellent Closing Prices email from PoliticsHome Thursday evening and spotted the Chancellor's comments on Scotland. Since he was unexpectedly at Dr Fox's New Year's gathering on Wednesday night, I wonder if Osborne got Fox's thoughts on what he was going to say. 

Toodles x

Ed Balls, Tom Baldwin and Hollo de Bone-Bone

I saw Ed Balls a few times around the estate after PMQs, and each time that man had a grin the size of a police officer's subsidised Terrace cafeteria fry up. In other words – f*cking huge!

Tom Baldwin, the other testicle in Ed Miliband's meat and two veg, looked decidedly calm and relaxed in PCH. However I don't think he should lurk about in that large coat of his. I'm not going to say he looked like a dealer as that would imply that I know what one looks like. And I don't. You've got nothing on me copper!

Do you know what it's like to have your boss point at your crotch and say “I didn't think you were looking forward to PMQs that much?”

I do. “I spilt orange juice down my lap and that's another one to go in the folder marked 'Sexual Harassment.'

The corridor dwellers were out in force today. The taxpayer funds your office, please and politely use it rather than walking up and down the principle floor again and again on your mobile phone. I'm aiming this at Tristram Hunt, Zac Goldsmith and on occasion the Adam Afriyie, to name a few.

Having seen two Tory rebels slinking around the estate together Wednesday morning, I have decided to name them affectionately Hollo de Bone-Bone. Beware all those who support the EU and efficient use of debating time!

The office is now officially dry. Not intentionally I might add, not like those who take a month off to prove to their loved ones that they don't have a problem. No, we just drank our way through the Christmas drink and the bottles left over from the boss's NYE party. Rest assured that the bottles weren't left over because he didn't want to drink them, more to do with his wife trying to see off potential liver failure. When the government suggested two dry days a week, my employer's only response was “I'd like to see them bloody try! From my cold, dead HANDS!”

Shot to The Back of The Ed

As Tuesday was the first day back for the boss, he graced us with his presence before 9am. Once the important issues had been covered and it was declared that Christmas had been a success he reclined back in his chair to listen to Ed Miliband's Today interview on the BBC website. There's nothing like starting the day out with strong coffee, sticky pastries and an utter car crash of media appearance by the Labour leader.

The ugly question had the boss roaring with laughter and smearing jam down his tie. I must remember to tuck a napkin into his collar in events such as these. It's good to see his diet didn't last beyond the first few week of January.

At 11:30am I scooted over to the TV and settled down for the big relaunch. The prospect of the signal failing and no-one but the assembled hacks and Fabians seeing Ed's big moment was gleeful but sadly it held for the entire speech and the Q & A that followed. I say sadly as it would have been better for Ed if it hadn't been broadcast, and by better for Ed I mean better for us. Other Tory staffers stopped by the office to share their groans and grimaces. Far from laughing anymore, each of us were silent with a hand partially or completely covering our faces. Lord knows what our Red counterparts were doing.

I don't believe Labour will be taken seriously until they have a leader who had nothing to do with the Blair/Brown years. Only then will they be about to have a clean break from the past and look back on their party's mistakes as an observer rather than an accomplice. And that's a shame because we really need a good opposition, not one who puts out a relaunch on the day something like HS2 is announced. Although saying that, if I were pretty sure my leader was going to make a hash of something then I'd also make sure there was a big story to dominate the headlines just in case.

Lunch time! xx