Farmers, Madams and Wellies

It was a Thursday but I kept thinking it was a Friday and each glance at the clock was a disappointment.

There are few things as boring as DEFRA questions. Except maybe Welsh questions.

I know there are possibly plans for badgers and still issues with trees but, my Christ, I just don't care. Apologies to the many farmers who read my blog, I know you will be heart broken at this admission.

The only thing to happen in the chamber to raise the eyebrow of yours truly was the nerve of Fiona MacTaggart moaning about ageism from the Prime Minister. The same MacTaggart who had to apologise to Chloe Smith some time last year over remarks about her youth. As a nation we must stop electing goldfish to Parliament.

It seemed that the estate, like the chamber, was quite empty today. It's as though everyone stayed for the main attraction of PMQs and then headed back to their constituencies yesterday. Louise Mensch tweeted about having a surgery today in her neck of the woods; the very idea of that mystifies the boss. “On a Thursday? When the House is still sitting? Does the three line whip mean so little to the new intake?”

“You once said the only three line whip you cared about was the type being held by a Madam.”

“I never said I was consistent, did I?”

By mid afternoon he'd pulled on his ridiculous wellies and marched out the door, shouting over his shoulder “To the homestead!”

This week has gone very fast but, bloody hell, it's aged me.

Toodles x.

"Better the Devil You Know"

Diary of a Westminster Bag-carrier: giving pervs what they want since 2011

Getting post from the constituency office is always fun as it's likely to be from someone who prefers to drop their 'important' correspondences off on a doorstep in the middle of the night rather than email, fax or phone. What was sent up to the Westminster office on Thursday was hilarious as well as sinister. The constituent had made a very large print out of the boss's face and then cut out the eyes. There appeared to be an accidental tear across the mouth and written in purple ink on the back were the lyrics to Kylie Minogue's 'I should be so Lucky'

It was a whole new level of political interest.

I didn't let the boss see it. I have enough trouble getting him into the constituency at the best of times. Last thing I need is him declaring it unsafe. Once he called an event with CWO "exceptionally dangerous to my manhood". Very prone to drama is my boss.

I read the very excellent Closing Prices email from PoliticsHome Thursday evening and spotted the Chancellor's comments on Scotland. Since he was unexpectedly at Dr Fox's New Year's gathering on Wednesday night, I wonder if Osborne got Fox's thoughts on what he was going to say. 

Toodles x

Things I Did Over the Weekend

I passed out with my face squished against a wall Friday night. This wouldn't have been an issue but I had the Union Flag painted on my face and according to my friend Sandra, her wall paper is very expensive. I'm just thankful she hasn't yet seen what one of our mutual friends left in her flower pot.

On Saturday I purchased a novelty tie for someone I don't actually know. I had a choice of persons for whom to buy for but in the end a particular tie with a certain theme made the choice for me. I do hope this doesn't get me into trouble. This is all down to a dare/bet from a few months back and I keep putting it off.

I campaigned on the doorstep for my local Cllr and the AV referendum. Despite a hangover and a severe craving for Nandos I doorstepped for over an hour. I am such a good little Tory.
I do get some stick for wearing my heels out and about but there's no need to lower standards.

Obviously more interesting things happened around the world than they did to me. We've had a royal wedding, the death of Osama Bin Laden, Chris Huhne is having a breakdown and in the constituency a new Vegetable Chess Champion has been crowned. Crazy times...

"You'll never be Rachel Johnson, Mr Speaker!"

As I'm writing this on International Women's Day, allow me to make reference to when the sisterhood once burnt their bras.

Burnt that bra Kelly Brooke!

It didn't take long for us to get a new face in the office. Her name is Rachel and she wants to be a journalist and writer apparently. My work colleague found this very humorous.

"Shame your surname isn't Johnson otherwise you could claim her work as your own. Get it?"

This was greeted with the same weak flicker of intelligence one would find in the faces of MacDonalds staff. I don't like her very much. All she seems to do is sniff and pick her nails. I wouldn't mind if there was some sort of personality or character underneath that mousy brown hair or M&S cardi but there's nothing! I asked the boss if Rachel was by any chance grown in a field by one of the farmers in his constituency. He didn't find it funny. I think he's quite taken by her. I guess if sniffy, dull and monosyllabic nineteen year olds are your thing then knock yourself out. On the plus side she does know how to file and how to turn on a lap top which is better than our last constituency procured 'office helper'.

Having heard my fair share of grumbles about Speaker Bercow and what he calls 'being on Backbencher's side' I am not shocked at Claire Perry's outburst.

I wonder what the response would have been like if a male MP had said the exact same thing. Of course I would imagine someone like Jacob Rees-Mogg or similar would have perhaps said it in Latin. Speaking of The Moggster, I emailed him today. Why? Well...why not?

Dear Mr Rees-Mogg,

I won't presume to call you The Moggster but please know that it is a term many use with great affection.

I always enjoy your contribution to parliamentary debates and I very much hope that you be speaking in today’s debate as I believe we have very similar views on the EU.

While I am not a constituent I hope it would not be inappropriate if I were to ask if you will be speaking in the International Womens debate on Thursday 10th March? I very much hope this is the case and that you would consider going against the grain and referring to it as International Ladies Day. This does, in my opinion, sound like a much more enjoyable day as I am sure you will agree.

Yours sincerely,

Ms Felicity Parkes

I haven't have a response yet but I'm sure this is simply because I didn't contact him by carrier pigeon or by telegram.

Very sound update on a Thursday evening. I've just checked my email.-

Dear Ms Parkes,

Many thanks for your kind email.  Unfortunately, I did not get the chance to speak today but think your suggestion about Ladies Day is excellent.

With every good wish,

Yours sincerely,

Jacob Rees-Mogg

 

 

My Farm, My Rules

I made sure to send the new work experience lad a short email to lay down some ground rules before he starts tomorrow. It mainly consisted of the following: 

1. The boss takes medication with lunch so pay no attention if he slurs or sways in the afternoon. 
2. Don't throw away envelopes that come in the post. Money doesn't grow on trees.
3. Always use envelopes referred to in rule 2. when sending internal post to Lib Dem Ministers or MPs.
4. If I shout at you it is because I have just been shouted at.
5. If I thow a pen or hit you with a ruler it is because you have not shown a sufficient level of fear at being shouted it.
6. Never, ever question rule 1.

On Saturday I was called to the constituency to deal with a situation. Since some of you have been asking which constituency and by that I mean none of you, I thought I would post a photo.

Enjoy