Ed Balls, Tom Baldwin and Hollo de Bone-Bone

I saw Ed Balls a few times around the estate after PMQs, and each time that man had a grin the size of a police officer's subsidised Terrace cafeteria fry up. In other words – f*cking huge!

Tom Baldwin, the other testicle in Ed Miliband's meat and two veg, looked decidedly calm and relaxed in PCH. However I don't think he should lurk about in that large coat of his. I'm not going to say he looked like a dealer as that would imply that I know what one looks like. And I don't. You've got nothing on me copper!

Do you know what it's like to have your boss point at your crotch and say “I didn't think you were looking forward to PMQs that much?”

I do. “I spilt orange juice down my lap and that's another one to go in the folder marked 'Sexual Harassment.'

The corridor dwellers were out in force today. The taxpayer funds your office, please and politely use it rather than walking up and down the principle floor again and again on your mobile phone. I'm aiming this at Tristram Hunt, Zac Goldsmith and on occasion the Adam Afriyie, to name a few.

Having seen two Tory rebels slinking around the estate together Wednesday morning, I have decided to name them affectionately Hollo de Bone-Bone. Beware all those who support the EU and efficient use of debating time!

The office is now officially dry. Not intentionally I might add, not like those who take a month off to prove to their loved ones that they don't have a problem. No, we just drank our way through the Christmas drink and the bottles left over from the boss's NYE party. Rest assured that the bottles weren't left over because he didn't want to drink them, more to do with his wife trying to see off potential liver failure. When the government suggested two dry days a week, my employer's only response was “I'd like to see them bloody try! From my cold, dead HANDS!”

Shot to The Back of The Ed

As Tuesday was the first day back for the boss, he graced us with his presence before 9am. Once the important issues had been covered and it was declared that Christmas had been a success he reclined back in his chair to listen to Ed Miliband's Today interview on the BBC website. There's nothing like starting the day out with strong coffee, sticky pastries and an utter car crash of media appearance by the Labour leader.

The ugly question had the boss roaring with laughter and smearing jam down his tie. I must remember to tuck a napkin into his collar in events such as these. It's good to see his diet didn't last beyond the first few week of January.

At 11:30am I scooted over to the TV and settled down for the big relaunch. The prospect of the signal failing and no-one but the assembled hacks and Fabians seeing Ed's big moment was gleeful but sadly it held for the entire speech and the Q & A that followed. I say sadly as it would have been better for Ed if it hadn't been broadcast, and by better for Ed I mean better for us. Other Tory staffers stopped by the office to share their groans and grimaces. Far from laughing anymore, each of us were silent with a hand partially or completely covering our faces. Lord knows what our Red counterparts were doing.

I don't believe Labour will be taken seriously until they have a leader who had nothing to do with the Blair/Brown years. Only then will they be about to have a clean break from the past and look back on their party's mistakes as an observer rather than an accomplice. And that's a shame because we really need a good opposition, not one who puts out a relaunch on the day something like HS2 is announced. Although saying that, if I were pretty sure my leader was going to make a hash of something then I'd also make sure there was a big story to dominate the headlines just in case.

Lunch time! xx

Round Up

As this is my 100th post I thought I would share some of my favourite diary entries from the last year. Yes, I could post other people's posts but that would take too long and, at this time of year, the window of sobriety is a small one.

Brick, Cash and Hookers

Dear Boss...

Felicity in The Park: TUC Rally

Rachel, Sambuca and a Rickshaw

Calm Down Dear

Money, monday, monday

Tweet, Tweet My Sweet

Once Again I Am Surrounded By Men

Normal Programming Has Resumed

Roll on 2012. X

Ban Cheap Political Stunts Instead

And I said stunts! Honestly, you lot...

Should cheap drink be banned? Will it make a blind bit of difference to our city centres and high streets? Is it right that we have a Conservative PM pushing forward this sort of thing even though he was quite happy to make a tit of himself by drunkenly throwing up in a friend's room whilst a student?

The answer to each and every one is simply: no.

Empty Sacks All Round

I don't know about anyone else's Christmas but mine was a doozie. Christmas Eve was spent watching my flatmate interrogate the chap I’ve been seeing.

“What are you intentions?”

“I don't have any!”

“Bullcrap, I'll say again: what are your intentions towards Flick?”

“To give her anything she wants?”

“What if she wants a PS3 and Battlefield 3?”

“Is that what she wants?”

“Answer the question!”

“Yes, yes!”

“In that case you have my blessing.”

I needn't point out that my flatmate is a git. The last thing you need when you plan to slow down, if not stop a relationship is someone like him sticking his end in. Of course I expect my male readers to sympathise with my 'situation' more than my female readers.

The 'situation' sorted itself when I finally met the chap's parents later that day. It turns out that I'm a crude, ghastly drunk who was attempting to sully their only child. At least that's what they told him when they thought I was out of ear shot just before we left. I know he was tempted to tell his parents to get stuffed and be a rebel but I also know what a mummy's boy he is. 

This is image is being used ironically because I don't care.

All I can say dear readers is phew! He was a lovely chap but I have no desire to be an MP's wife or in this case, a wannabe MP's wife and that's precisely where this would have ended up if it hadn't been snuffed out; with commitment, responsibility and partnership. All those terrible things that can happen if you embrace adulthood. No thanks. Indeed, I'm now footloose and free as we see in 2012. 

Toodles x

Merry Christmas and all that rot!

I know it's early but, dear readers, if you're anything like me you've had a bottle to hand since 1st December.

Christmas cards went out today and if you didn't get one it's either because I don't like you, I like you too much or I simply ran out of my wonderful cards. Take your pick.

Despite the best attempts of a few, this blog has been going for nearly a year now. For 2012 to be even more fun, I'm going to need each and every one of you. I hope you're all up to the task!

Hugs and kisses x

No Rest For The Wicked

Can someone tell me why I am still at work? It's 8:15pm at the time of writing and I could be in the Sports, in the M.O.G or at home enjoying a facial and a leg wax. I've been stuck at my desk for so many hours that when I rolled over to the filing cabinet and back, I knew the boss had, while my back was turned, moved something on my desk.

"What did you just do?"

"Grabbed a paperclip off your desk. S'not a crime, is it?"

"What's wrong with the box of clips in your drawer?"

"I prefer not to use those to pick the food out of my teeth."

"Oh delightful..."

Today I learnt that it's not okay to laugh when an MP falls out of a lift and that Alan Johnson will hold the door open for you but Ed Miliband won't even try. This, I feel, sums up Labour's problem. 

 

My Non-Job Award goes to this little gem - ME, Diversity and Faith Community Engagement and Campaigning Advisor. No, it's not union based or a Labour run Council position but rather a cushty little job over at CCHQ. I despair.

Thursday evening sees the CIPR PA Annual Parliamentary Researchers Reception and attendees can vote in the 'CIPR PA Westminster Researcher of the Year Award where nominations will be invited to identify the most hard-working and talented member of staff working in a parliamentary office in Westminster.'

Now I'm not going to suggest that you should nominate me because I'm any good at my job. No, rather to annoy all those who actually think the award should go to them. So if you're going and wish to piss someone off, VOTE FLICK! 

I shall now retire. Home is where my flatmate's warm beer and cold pizza wait for me. 

Good night x