The Fresh Prince of Bone

The boss actually thought I was going to be in the office and working on Bank Holiday Monday. I received a call on my mobile at 3:30pm.

"I've been calling the office for the last ten minutes and no one is picking up, where are you?"

"I am currently sitting on my roof with a near empty wine bottle and an overflowing ashtray. Where in the name of Theresa May's shoe collection do you think I would be?"

"In the office: working!"

"It's a Bank Holiday!"

"Oh. Is it? That explains a few things. I'll see you tomorrow." Click.

One MP I did see about during recess was Peter Bone. Like everyone else he was somewhat dressed down. Untucked shirt, no tie or jacket and, amazingly enough, a pair of very trendy trainers! I thought for a moment I was seeing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air before me. Loving your style Peter.

One can only wonder what will happen during the next three days. Will it just tick along as normal with anti-Tory comments being made in the vain hope of being fired or will a senior Lib Dem finally grow a pair and just resign from the government they seem to disagree with so much? Stand up for your principles lads! And I say lads because they have so few women in their parliamentary party. 

Of course if you believe the Guardian or the Fabian Society then you'll know that the Lib Dems could lose the few ladies they have at the next election. Women with beards! That's the key. How could a local Lib Dem party turn down the chance to select such an individual? Cripes.

NotoAV, BoJo and Inspector Clouseau

Who else went to the No to AV event this morning in Victoria Gardens for parliamentary staffers and their MPs? I got as far as the gate and then turned around again. I am NotoAV and proud but there is no way I was going to wear a bright green t-shirt in public so I stayed off to one side and had a smoke.
I did spot one or two MPs returning to the Westminster Palace with their green shirts tucked under their arms. I don't know if these were gifts from the campaign team or 'souvenirs'.

Well done those who did their part for the compaign at 9am on a Monday morning. With my cigarette clasped between my lips, I saluted you. And quite possible the German tourists who just happened to be walking past me at the same time. It would have turned messy if they had taken offence, I can tell you!

Also well done to Labour today from ignoring their own links and connections to the UKuncut bunch and instead trying to make the story about Boris Johnson. Of course some more than other's were having trouble with BoJo's words of wisdom.

Did you know, dear readers that there are those who are actively trying to corner and identify me? If it wasn't so funny I would probably find the whole situation a little bit sexy!

The people in question are mostly colleagues, staffers who just hate being out of the loop. I am quite sure some of them are reading this right now. My friends: don't you have better things to do than try to work out if you have a spy in your midst? There's talk of getting together and working through the clues. I'm going to be there, I've offered to take notes. Inspector Clouseau eat your heart out!

Remember boys and girls: I get my information and inspiration from many things. If you have a titbit that you think I might be interested in then tell me. You can rely on me to keep all identities safe, my lips will be sealed. And yes, before anyone says anything, that does make a change from the norm.

Goodnight x

Felicity in the Park - TUC Rally

Voted in by the Unions, for the Unions

In a time of conflict, unrest and bad sporting results, Felicity Parkes attempts to enjoy a day in the park. Surrounded by protesters, socialists and the general unwashed, will she make it to end without giving herself away or will she take one too many nips of the old hip flask?

I arrived at Hyde Park just after 1pm and was  immediately overwhelmed with a sneer. My union disliking boss would have keeled over from the sheer volume of trade union banners. Lots of green, red and purple but not much blue. Funny that.

I spotted son of Lord Hunt of Chesterton, Tristram Hunt MP and Natascha Engel MP near the archway

David Anderson MP was sat near the stage and shouting down his phone and I spotted Hilary Benn MP trying to get in backstage.

The only hacks I recognised were Gary Gibbon and Sir Michael White. Gibbon wandered around bored for a few hours, never looking particularly inspired. I have a sneaking suspicion that White recognised me from when our paths have crossed outside Moncriefs from time to time. I would guess that his red beret was as close as he could get to showing solidarity with his comrades!

The rally seemed to be made up of 'right-on' activists, indoctrinated students and middle-class families who hadn't had a day out since the Stop the War march. There was one couple drinking champagne! This I know as fact because they nearly hit me with when they popped the cork.

Despite all the Tory and bank bashing, it was nice to see lots of people at the rally riding Boris bikes. In their own little way Barclays was represented.

A number of people including David Prentis and Ed Miliband mentioned that half a million people were at the rally. I'm sure I've seen more people at a Take That concert back when they were at their peak.

Ed Miliband's speech was dreadful and as I tweeted today as well, there were quite a few who were not happy to have him there. I nearly lost the hearing in one ear when an old lady screamed "You would've done the same!" This was said by a few others as well and it just so happens I was able to recorded some of it.

I won't go into the drivel that came out of this man's mouth because others have done a far better job than I could have. Here's Patrick Hennessy's comments.

The big screens almost couldn't take it!

For all the gumpf about 'women's equality' and the 'appreciation of the Sisterhood' we still had three near naked dancers on the stage for six minutes. They danced and jiggled while Medhi Hasan stood just off side grimacing. He clenched his jaw and barred his teeth as he realised that for all the sh*t said about respecting women, he was going to have to take to the stage like a beauty pageant host.

The one part that has stuck in my mind from anything Medhi Hasan said all day was this line: "The only difference between Thatcher and Cameron is the gender." IF ONLY I nearly shouted. 

Regardless of all the anti-capitalist nonsense that was spouted today, when it came down to it people were still willing to hand their money over to the few smart businesses in the park. I salute those burger vans, coffee sellers and knock-off t-shirt traders who sold crap to the protesters. And I do mean crap. The cheese burger I bought would have been thrown at Tony Robinson had I not been so bloody hungry. 

All in all there was nothing there for anyone outside of a union or not employed by the public sector. It all felt very 'me me me' despite their attempts to make it 'us us us'. There were your usual lines about the police keeping their "sleazy hands of our kids" and the ill thought out encouragements to occupy building and strike. As it has been rightly pointed out today, the Countryside Alliance had greater numbers at their march. Does that make them more or less mainstream Mr Miliband?

I'll leave you with these two photos that I took at the rally. If I every attend another of these I am going to try sniffing glue before hand. It might help put me in the mindset of trade unionist.

 

 

The Eds, Bob and Wee Dougie

I've been informed that hissing "Ed Balls for Labour Leader" behind Ed Miliband's back on the Portcullis House escalators is bad form. I thought I was being down right polite.

I watched the PM's statement on Libya and Japan this afternoon. I must say I'm getting a little worried about Dave. Last week he was saying that the EU was good for the country, then today that Baroness Ashton was doing a good job. Where is this going? "The EU is grand, Ashton is superb, Balls is an economic marvel and Bob Crow is a very tender lover."

I subtly hinted to Rachel about the sniffing thing. It involved me offering her a tissue after every third sniff. If that doesn't work then I'm just going to scream "For the love of all things holy please stop with the constant crusty sniff sniff, you absolute DRIP of a girl!"

Lunch was a disappointment. Honey glazed chicken breast on a pita bread with a salad garnish turned out to be pita bread, a nugget of meat and a sh*t load of green crap. £4 is a lot on my level of pay. A lot.

Can someone tell wee Douglas Alexander to use his office. Everytime I walk though Portcullis House he's there with his staff and having what looks like a secret hobbit meeting. Get a f*cking room!

Toodles.