Vote Mogg, Vote Often

Eighty six. That’s how many letters we sent out with a spelling mistake. They were all the same in response to a generic lobby letter we had been receiving and every one of them had the word ‘piss’ in the text. I haven’t told the boss yet and I don’t think I will. It was Rachel’s letter and I just can’t risk him getting rid of her.
The amount of pointless rubbish that is generated by an MP’s office would surprise any normal person and every bit of it needs to be scanned or photocopied and then stuffed into a envelope. I swear on my Yes, Minister boxset that it will not be me who has to do it!

The nominations for the House Magazine awards went out today. You can see them here www.thehouseawards.com. I’m only going to write this once dear readers: vote for The Moggster.

Well what were you expecting? I am a Capitalist after all...

Toodles! x

Money Money Money!

Because sometimes you just have to send an inappropriate birthday card and gift to someone in the Government. I am absolutely confident I'll get a response...

Maybe.

Brian Binley and the Philosopher's Stone of Raw Sex Appeal

I can confirm that SexyMP.co.uk has lost its sparkle. This isn't down to the adverts or the men popping up on the women section, no. The boss has become obsessed by it. He's not happy with his ranking and has taken to emailing me and the others with the instruction to 'play it for five minutes and vote against those who are higher than me!!' We received this message every few hours all Thursday and Friday last week. Like all things in life, the website was more fun when we shouldn't have been playing it in the office. A bit like watching pornography when in a serious relationship...

It has been a topic of discussion in a lot of MP's offices, SexyMP that is, not porn. I read Brian Binley's remarks in a local newspaper. I do think from now on his staffers should answer all calls with "Good morning, you're through to the office of Brian 'check out his raw musky powers of seduction' Binley. How may he sex you up?" It would go down a treat with the older ladies in the constituency, they would love it.

Bad Granny! No Cash in the Attic for you!

Hopefully not to the extent that my dear old granny did. She once knocked down three shoppers on a busy high street with her mobility scooter all because she wanted to pinch a man's arse. It's all right when you're elderly you can get away with anything! I have to pretend to be reaching round to open a door, swatting a fly or swinging my handbag when I want touch a man's bum. Actually that's not 100% true, I did once pinch Liam Fox's rear during a photo call at an event but then if you can't do it to Dr Foxy, who can you do it to?

Good night.

Let's Get Fracking!

You would have thought that I would try to draw out my holiday for as long as possible but the truth is I was bored and desperate to get back to work within twenty four hours of activating my out of office message.

What do I have to show for my time off? A strained silence with my friend and travel mate, Charlotte, a burnt bum where I fell asleep in the sun and a series of increasingly pathetic emails from the boss asking me where his car keys are. The closest I came to getting my rocks off was when Charlotte drunkenly crawled into my bed thinking I was her ex boyfriend. I believe I slurred “You can sleep here but it’s too hot for cuddles.”

I popped into work Wednesday afternoon. There was no way I was actually going to do any work but I was curious as to what state the office was in. Thankfully the boss wasn’t in and from what I could see of his desk, he hadn’t destroyed another laptop either. All in all the office was fine and dandy. I just can’t decide whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.

There were very few staffers about on the Estate and all of them looked dreadful. Every female had dark smudges under the eyes where the makeup had come off but by god she couldn’t be bothered to put any on. 

Stubble is always the sure sign of a recess and every male staffer I walked past looked like an extra in Lost. The place was dead, so dead in fact that I popped myself down in the office and enjoyed a large glass of Pimms and played on sexymp.co.uk for a little while.

So that’s it dear readers, it’s all back to business now and should anyone want to get in touch, well...you know what to do!

Toodles x

Mugs, Jugs and Slugs

While I am off on holls hopefully enjoying some whirlwind romance or at the very least getting my jollies, I hope all of Westminster enjoys the visit from Barack Obama.

I imagine that Obama will be half way through his speech and all of a sudden Gordon Brown recreates the scene from The Graduate. I will be very annoyed if I miss that.

Dear readers do you ever wish to hint to your work colleagues that you may be an anonymous blogger, wind up The Daily Mail AND line my pockets at the same time? Well you're in bally luck!

A girl's gotta pay for her shoes somehow...

I am Felicity Parkes by FelicityParkes

And now all that remains to be asked is:

Will the bars on the Estate notice a drop in their profits while I'm away? Will I come back to find the boss accidentally hanged himself as he mucked around with the office blinds? Will George ever send me a thank you email? Should I do as heavily suggested to me and remove the website I set up documenting Jacob Rees-Moggs double breasted suits? Will the Speaker be annoyed when he finds out what I left in the green petition bag? And finally... how much will a glass of wine cost on the flight?

Toodles!

Comedy Not Controversy

Imagine my surprise Sunday morning when I opened up a link to a Daily Mail article about me! I will admit to giving a sigh of frustration as this blog was compared to another which apparently revealed a real life affair between an intern and an MP. I've not read the blog myself but I was aware of it. The article then quotes a few posts from here and my blogger profile. All in all a sense of humour fail.

The reason for this blog has always been to entertain and make with the funny. I am not here to act as an undercover journalist and I would have hoped that the chaps at The Daily Mail and MPs would have spotted that. If there are individuals out there who don't get it, I would suggest they read my twitter profile.

Staffer for a Member of Parliament. Tory flirt with lushy tendencies. Welcome to my world...

On another note I am finally getting a holiday. I shall be flying out on Tuesday and not returning until the following week. Nothing but sand, sea and men in tight shorts, woof! I will of course still be contactable and more than happy to receive emails or tweets from my dear readers.

And happy birthday to George Osborne today and The Moggster tomorrow.

I hope your Whitsun recess will be as pleasant as I hope the hell mine will be.

Toodles for now xx

Pimms, Constituents and Brown

The highlight of my day was at the very start. I walked into the office to find a LARGE bottle of Pimms sitting on my desk. Stuck to the bottle was a post-it with a smiley face. I do love my boss sometimes. I know my dear readers will be thinking that statement odd given how much I complain about the old sod but he certainly knows how to push my buttons. The good and bad buttons.

We often get calls from constituents who want help for the most basic things. Some like to write in and say they’re thinking of starting a business but haven’t decided what or where yet but they still want the bosses advise and help. Others contact us mistakenly thinking their member of parliament is also their solicitor. In those cases we try to be firm but kind but if I hear the line “Why should I waste my time trying to call the CAB when you can do it for me?” I get twitchy. I have been known to bark “We can’t help you if you’re not prepared to help yourself!”

We had a call midday Tuesday from a person who wanted the MP to call their friend who was currently on a bus and somewhat down in the dumps. The caller said his friend just needed someone to talk to. You may think this sounds like a joke or prank call but it wasn’t. The caller became angry when I pointed out they had dialled the wrong number for the Samaritans.

There has been more talk today about Gordon Brown wanting the top IMF job. According to the New Statesman Gordon has told friends "he's not taking No for an answer."

Jon Craig talked about Gordon and the IMF this evening on Sky News. He said that Gordon had been networking in Westminster on Tuesday (I didn't bloody see him) and the general feeling is that 'he's forcing himself on Europe...'

What is it with these Socialists?