This morning I had to meet my flatmate’s new girlfriend. When I say meet I mean she was smoking a cig in his t-shirt whilst leaning against the fridge. My fridge. The bitch.
I was prepared to simply smile and ask her to shift her hefty backside so I could get the milk out but she greeted me with the line “Hmm let’s see: pearl necklace, red talons and a sneer. You must be the Tory?”
I responded with a smile and “Why yes I am! I must say you’re a lot different than I expected.”
“What do you mean?” I’m sure she was smoking MY cigarettes.
“Well...the sounds emanating from Stephen’s room suggested he was abusing some sort of mentally deficient donkey but you don’t look like a mentally deficient donkey do you?” I smiled again and patted her on the shoulder.
“Thanks.” She didn’t sound very thankful.
“No, just a donkey!” I threw over my shoulder as I grabbed my handbag and sashayed out the front door. I enjoyed a shop bought coffee instead.
We received a folder full of documents and letters in the post. A constituent who had seen the boss at the weekend had taken the “send my office as much information as possible” quite literally. I am not sure if it was meant sincerely or as a joke but a cassette was also in the folder and written on the spine was ‘music to listen to as you read my case.’ I kid you not. I am now going to have to hunt down a cassette player just so I can find out what sort of music is on it. If it turns out to be weird sexual noises then I’m binning the whole folder. I hate it when people send us crap like that!
Clegg is reported to have said today 'This is a coalition of necessity, not of conviction.' That’s like saying ‘we’re staying together not because we love each other, actually we can’t stand the f*cking sight of each other at the dinner table, but for the children. We must stick together for the children!'
There was an embarrassing moment this evening involving me, the division bell, several dozen MPs and a door handle but that's a story for another time...