Recess: Felicity's Dos and Don'ts

• Do keep a dictaphone in your desk drawer for the moment your boss makes a 'decision' because even though they never change their minds, they do in fact always change their minds. Evidence is key!

• Don't joke to a hack that the boss isn't answering his phone because he's tied up and wearing a ball gag.

• Do get your personal shopping delivered to the Parliamentary Estate because there's always someone to sign for it. If your boss is a union basher then be prepared for the deliveries to be somewhat scuffed.  

• Don't say yes to any old workplace dare otherwise you will find yourself in a position where you have to buy a novelty tie as a birthday present for a senior frontbencher. Cue my exasperated sigh.

• Do try to build friendships with the policemen on the Parliamentary Estate. At some point you'll drunkenly approach one of them after leaving the Sports and slur the words "Evening officer. Do you want to handcuff and pat me down?" They are less likely to take offence if they know you.

• Don't bother setting up a 'We Love Fraser Nelson Club'. He is all too aware of his totty status and never responds to club invites. I'm not bitter.