Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Gymnastics, Cuts and Blinky

“Never violate the bosses diary or I will break your fingers!”

Now some will say this is not the way to speak to a work colleague but I would argue that the intern is not a colleague but rather a part time pet in the office. A pet which must find its own food and should it anger a bigger animal i.e. a policeman or MP, fend for its self. Sadly, should the pet make a constant mess and endless noise, it can't be put down. I’ve had that confirmed by IPSA by the way: we’re not allowed to put down interns.

As I tweeted earlier, I realised half way through the day that I had mismatched stockings on. Only with a trained eye or a hand on each calf would someone be able to tell the difference but that’s not the point. I knew there was a difference and they had to be changed. This resulted in me attempting to change in the office. When it became clear that my bare leg was a little too much for the chaps I made my way to the ladies. 
Sadly I attempted this journey with one shoe undone and only one clasp holding an under garment in place. Suddenly losing your footing and shoe then subsequently hitting the deck is not a manoeuvre one can pull off at the best of times. Doing it while trying to keep yourself covered in front of a large group of mostly elderly visitors is a humiliation I wouldn’t wish on even (Sally Bercow) the most irritating Labour activist! This whole incident might explain the strange looks I was getting from David Guake at one point today. Were you there David? Answers on a post card.

I had considered watching Treasury Qs from the gallery this afternoon just so I could get out of the office. Normally when the feeling of imprisonment starts to set in, I go to the bar but it’s still a week till pay day and I don’t have the coinage. Instead I stayed at my desk and shouted obscenities with the boss whenever Balls spoke.

We had a constituent write to tell us that the Coalition Government was 'slashing this country's throat' over cuts. How we marveled at the pun! Finally, after a great deal of sniggering, we included the following in our response:

Rather than slitting this country’s throat, I believe the Government is performing life-saving emergency surgery to save Great Britain from flatlining on the economic operating table. With surgeon-like precision the Chancellor will be seeking to ensure that this operation is as painless as possible.

I’m not sure what I’m looking forward to more on Wednesday: the Budget or the protests outside. I’m to stay and ‘assist’ the boss until late tomorrow evening so if there are any protesters looking to throw bottles and stones at me again like last time then they should be warned. I probably won’t be sober.

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